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Monday, 21 November 2016

Fury

There are different kinds of anger, the righteous one where you are angry over the way the world handles thing, the kind that has to do with animals, women and children and the such. That anger is controlled (to an extent) and can be explainable. Then there is the anger that is borderline on fury. That is the dangerous one, that kind of anger, if not controlled, can lead to such pain and misery. That kind of anger is the kind that builds up over time and has no escape. The anger that boils beneath the surface of a normally calm exterior. The feelings that have been built up through frustration and the fact that you just always want to avoid conflict and just live in peace.

Then one day it flows over and can become blind rage, the fury that flows from a person through their mouth is like acid rain. The words drip with the intent to hurt, to harm, to cause irreparable damage to the person unto whom the words are flung. You want to see that person hurt, to see them scorched by the words, to cause that person such pain that it would seem to ease your pain. I have tried to avoid such fury as I have been one to fling such violence and have seen the hurt in the eyes. The hurt that is so bad that it is never forgotten even when you are forgiven for it. I have tried so hard to contain myself and have been good for a good many years. But not yesterday....

Yesterday I felt it all boil over and out the words came. I must say though that I did contain myself in the sense that the most of the heat that I want to fling out I kept inside but enough was said to cause damage. Now I sit with the knowledge that I have broken up a family unit. That I caused the rift between a father and son. Even though he has said that it is not my fault and that he will stand behind me I feel that I am not a good person. I feel devastated yet I will not run after a child (22 years) and make peace because I yelled at his girlfriend.

Now as I type this I watch them walk passed with their belongings as they are both moving out the house. To allow the reader a bit of knowledge, His girlfriend is 22 as well and lazy and dirty, he is also unemployed, no car licence and also on the lazy side. He is stubborn and one minded and cannot take criticism  of any kind. He is always right and cannot have a decent conversation over things involving him or her without it turning into a loud yelling match. He has no respect for himself or for those around him.

Now do I take peace in the knowledge that I was okay to have those words or do I have to take stock of myself again and become the quiet mouse I was. Do I stand up for myself in the knowledge that I did not say all the damming words that I wanted to say.

All in all rage and fury and anger is not a good emotion to have.  I am devastated in the fact that I had let myself go and allowed it to flow from me. Words hurt and kill more than any weapon I know.