Fury

There are different kinds of anger, the righteous one where you are angry over the way the world handles thing, the kind that has to do with animals, women and children and the such. That anger is controlled (to an extent) and can be explainable. Then there is the anger that is borderline on fury. That is the dangerous one, that kind of anger, if not controlled, can lead to such pain and misery. That kind of anger is the kind that builds up over time and has no escape. The anger that boils beneath the surface of a normally calm exterior. The feelings that have been built up through frustration and the fact that you just always want to avoid conflict and just live in peace.

Then one day it flows over and can become blind rage, the fury that flows from a person through their mouth is like acid rain. The words drip with the intent to hurt, to harm, to cause irreparable damage to the person unto whom the words are flung. You want to see that person hurt, to see them scorched by the words, to cause that person such pain that it would seem to ease your pain. I have tried to avoid such fury as I have been one to fling such violence and have seen the hurt in the eyes. The hurt that is so bad that it is never forgotten even when you are forgiven for it. I have tried so hard to contain myself and have been good for a good many years. But not yesterday....

Yesterday I felt it all boil over and out the words came. I must say though that I did contain myself in the sense that the most of the heat that I want to fling out I kept inside but enough was said to cause damage. Now I sit with the knowledge that I have broken up a family unit. That I caused the rift between a father and son. Even though he has said that it is not my fault and that he will stand behind me I feel that I am not a good person. I feel devastated yet I will not run after a child (22 years) and make peace because I yelled at his girlfriend.

Now as I type this I watch them walk passed with their belongings as they are both moving out the house. To allow the reader a bit of knowledge, His girlfriend is 22 as well and lazy and dirty, he is also unemployed, no car licence and also on the lazy side. He is stubborn and one minded and cannot take criticism  of any kind. He is always right and cannot have a decent conversation over things involving him or her without it turning into a loud yelling match. He has no respect for himself or for those around him.

Now do I take peace in the knowledge that I was okay to have those words or do I have to take stock of myself again and become the quiet mouse I was. Do I stand up for myself in the knowledge that I did not say all the damming words that I wanted to say.

All in all rage and fury and anger is not a good emotion to have.  I am devastated in the fact that I had let myself go and allowed it to flow from me. Words hurt and kill more than any weapon I know.

The unconditional love of an animal

How may of us know the unconditional love of an animal. The love that they give us should set an example of how we should love and accept others around us. I have 2 dogs and a gorgeous, very independent black cat. Now the 2 dogs are a cross between a Great Dane and a Boerboel and the other one is a black and tan Daschund (or Doxie). They are both males and have been neutered to prevent any aggression between them.

 My doxie (named Dobby due to his very long ears) has a nasty filthy habit of finding the Hadeda Birds poop and rolling in it..... always on the same spot by the right hand shoulder.... and then he always comes running to me to show me his delight! Well, straight into the bath he goes each time. But no matter how many times I plop him into the bath he will still come to me afterwards and does not even sulk (like most of them do). I call my boy "a nibbler" as he loves to nibble on my clothes as a sign of love... others get the sloppy wet kisses but me, I get the nibbles. During the day he is not much of a cuddle bunny and will rather just follow me around.  Bed time is cuddle time for him and me.... He will snuggle under the covers and rest his head on either my belly or lay in the crook of my arm with his head on my arm. 

My boerdane is another story altogether and is not ashamed of begging for attention and love at any given time of the day or night. He will lean into you or try to sit on your lap. He loves to have his ears scratched and will come and put his head down between your legs just so that you can scratch him. Now he is the one to watch out for.... Do not come near me when there is nobody at home or else he will eat you....  When I go out and walk to the shop he will look over the wall and howl to the world that his mommy has left him. Even when I am just outside the gate chatting he will sit and put up a stinker of a howl and this intern will set off Dobby the Doxie to howl with him.....

But all said and done to get back to the love that these animals have for their own is truly amazing. If only the world could have the simple joys of life like them. All they want is love and warmth and a bowl of food each day. Not much to ask is it? When you come back after a day out at work or just been out of their sight for 3 min. its like they have not seen you for 'the longest time' ever. The absolute joy at the sight of their loved one is truly a sight to behold. 

When you let them into your hearts it is to stay and when they have to leave this world to go over the Rainbow Bridge it is always heart wrenching. I once read that the reason that dogs live so short a life is that they have no lessons to learn only to show you what love is all about. Once you have learnt all that they can teach you then it is time for their short lives to come to an end and to leave you with the memories and warmth of their love. 

New Ventures

Yesterday was a new venture by starting a Travel Blog on the WorldPress blogging site. It is called Granny on the Move and will be about my out and about time as I venture forth into the world of tasting and viewing. I intend to go to all the small places here in South Africa and find the gems that are hidden from view. Not the normal tourist places but the smaller ones that we miss. One day I will venture forth into the great world and visit the cultures of the world but till then I will travel around my own country experiencing the quaint towns and the quaint foodie places. I will explore it in the eyes of a Granny.

I will still have my online book store but I do need to venture forth and make things happen. Nobody else will make it happen so I need to move this delectable butt of mine and get things started. It's all about finding ones Passion again and I am going to enjoy doing it. 

The time is now, time is short and very precious so no more screwing around and making excuses. If I don't do it now I never will. So everyone its like Buzz Lightyear says: "To infinity and beyond." 

Finding the Passion again

The last time I posted was on how we loose our passions so quickly. All it takes is the right person to come along your path to redirect you again. Here I have been bemoaning my fate over loosing what I love in life to life itself. I had become my own Victim, one of my own making. I had come across a book called The  top five regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware and I found myself absorbed by the wisdom of the elderly and the dying. I found myself identifying with a few of the 5 regrets but the one that stood out was from a lady called Pearl that spoke about being the victim of ones own making. That the world around you was not there to make you happy or content but that you are responsible for your own happiness.  It was like the proverbial smack in the face.

It is true, we tend to think that those around us must make us happy, that it is the world's job to make things happen for us. We tend to shrink away from being forward and expressing what we really feel. That got me to thinking in a big way. Nobody else but me, myself and I is going to make me happy, truly happy. I keep on falling into that age old trap of expecting those around me to make things happen. I tend to forget that everyone has their own sense of responsibility to themselves. So I joined a lovely ladies group and got to meet a few of the most inspiring women. They both had problems worse than mine and they made a go at life. They did not just sit back, they worked hard at letting go and learning to move forward and to live whatever disabilities that they had. They did not let life stop them from living at all.

So now I am on a mission to find my passion for life again. It is going to be hard but I intend to push forward and motivate myself each day into doing something that will elevate me nearer to my goal. My passions, what are they?

I love the written word, I love to read and discuss books. I love the storytelling. I love to help people yet am an  incredibly shy person. I got to hear about Beta reading and am now trying to research on the matter and hope that I can find my niche in the written word society. I am much better at my thoughts than penning them to paper and have tried my hand at writing but have yet to find what is my field of writing. So I will pen them in private and maybe one day I will be struck with knowledge of what to write on. Fiction novels is a No no as I have tried and I for the life of me cannot do the " talking" parts. But I shall forge forth and I will succeed one way or another or at least go to my grave with the knowledge that I did try even if I could not do all that I desire to do.

So with this in mind I will say Adieu for now and enter into my own adventure of Finding My Passion again....

Lost Passions

When we are children we dream our dreams and live in our magic world filled with stars and rainbows. We are encouraged to continue to dream whilst small but it all changes when we hit adulthood. Then we are told to grow up and stop dreaming, to take responsibility and be an adult. We get jobs, marry, have children and leave our dreams, our passions behind us. There are the golden few that prevail and have it all and to them I take my hat off for staying true to themselves, unfortunately most of us bow down to society and become what is expected of us. To leave all the dreams to childhood. 

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to be dictated by society and put our dreams, our passions on the shelves. To see ones passion die a slow death is liken to throwing water on a raging fire, to watch it slowly die out until it is nothing but blacken coals. Dead. 

It takes a drastic event in ones life for the realisation that we were stupid and weak. I thought my life had ended but in fact it was just the beginning. I needed to reawaken my dreams, to seek what i am passionate about, to reawaken and find myself again. To learn to love myself, to love life and to accept my past as it was. I needed to find the peace that i had lost along the way. Now I have a thirst to learn new things, I want to travel, I want to reawaken my passion in the written word. I am all I can be and the only thing that can really stop me or dampen my new awakening is myself.

If I allow myself to conform to my surroundings then I will disappear again like before. I need to keep it alive in myself. I need to fill my surroundings with my passion, with my dreams. I need to keep it alive or else I will slowly fade away again and I cannot allow that to happen.

I have spoken to a few ladies that I know and have found that they too have regrets which pertain to broken dreams, lost passions. That is the only regret I have so far in my life. To not have lived my life the way I wanted to. To have allowed myself to be sucked in by society and what they required of me. I gave my whole life to raising my children, to having a job. I don't regret my children only that I could have had them and still done what I wanted to do. But, as the saying goes, what is done, is done and no good crying over spilt milk. Now is the time of my life and I will fight to keep my passion and my dreams alive.

Whether I get to do it all is up to the Good Man Upstairs but I will prevail, I will keep them alive. 

We need to live our lives and not just exist day to day. That is not living at all. Fight to keep those dreams alive, feed your passion daily and believe in magic again. 

A new day

A new day, a new dawn as the saying goes. Well, i am slowly learning how this blog thing is going. So far no comments or followings but that is okay. I am using this more as a journal to my life as it is right now. I can look back and know that i have had the case of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly times of my life.

So i have decided to get off my butt and stop being sorry for myself(again) and start my own small business of a second hand book store. Ambrosia Second Hand Books will become a reality and I will push forward, however slow it may start. Rome was not built in a day so neither is my bookstore.  I have also gone and made a veg and herb garden for myself. Nothing like good ole back breaking, manual labour to bring things back into perspective again. I have to keep remembering that only I can make myself happy and not others. The fact that i have hit the Peri menopause stage of my life doesn't help at all. Moods and flame on's and hot flushes are just soooo not in.... then there is the might brain fog that i have.

So, my new resolution (again) is to make myself happy and not depend on others to do it for me and to keep pushing forward with the books selling and my veggie garden.

Captain of our own destiny, time to put the words into action and this time not fall on my own face due to my own making.....

EISH!!!!!

New adventure

I have finally lifted my but and done it. Always spoke if starting a business of my own.  I have always love books and reading and spoke of opening up a book store. Well now I went ahead and started it.

Googled on how to open a business without money and blam this was one of them. So now I am the proud owner of Ambrosia Second Hand book store. Currently in the collection process and working out of the garage for the time being. Have had enquiries but yet to sell my first book.

So I am excited about the whole concept of being a business owner. I know that there is a long road ahead so with a deep breath I will forge forth and slay the dragons ahead.

Wish me well all ye plebs out there.